Parse Notes
By Patrick Evans

What ho!
I’m sorry?

I said what ho! Means hullo! Just trying to get into the spirit of the whole tongue in cheek humour that’s England’s speciality.
I see old bean. What’s brought all that on?

Oh y’know, D-Day, Ascot, Wimbledon, Euro 2004. Time for a slice of national pride pie!
I expect you’ll be saying next that driving about with twin St George’s crosses flapping from your car windows is helping Sven to magic a win in Portugal?

Isn’t it?
Having to park next to what looks like an ambassadorial fleet whenever he goes to Asda only puts extra pressure on the poor guy. That’s pressure you don’t need when you’re meant to be out buying sweetmeats for Nancy.

Surely there’s nothing wrong with wearing your support for your country on your sleeve?
How would you feel if Sven went around with a Sweden shirt under his suit? Don’t get me wrong, I want us to win. But I also think media hysteria and clever marketing by lager-makers have got the better of the national consciousness. We should be capable of national pride without having to display it like a bunch of peer-aware teens.

Isn't it just a harmless need to belong?
Belonging is all well and good so long as it doesn’t encourage the kind of anti-foreign beer-fuelled bile displayed by so-called ‘fans’ on the Algarve and elsewhere.

I agree. Punching Johnny foreigner definitely won’t help Rooney and co. stick it to those bl***y Europeans.
Especially when our manager is one of them himself.

So why is Sven such a success?
Not because of his resemblance to Monty Burns, that’s for sure. But it helps that Sven’s motives for getting silverware in the Lancaster Gate cabinet aren’t corrupted by having to perform for Queen and Country.

So what are his incentives?
£3m-odd a year helps.

What can he spend all that on?
A man needs to look after himself after he’s been Jonsson-ed.

Pity he hasn’t invested in some rhetoric classes.
True. But his contract runs till 2008, which should give him ample time to develop a Schmeichelesque regional accent and bring him closer still to the nation’s heart.For the meantime though, his lack of loquacity does leave some questions about what really goes on in the England dressing room.

Like those funny sketches about Seaman’s pants?
Apparently the taciturn Swede appreciates that kind of humour. Shows he’s got what it takes even if he’s not a true Brit.

A bit like that Rusedski fella?
Er, no.

Do say: Come on England!

Don’t say: Fancy swapping shirts, Ulrika?